...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
