I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
