my sisters under your porch take her home
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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