Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So apparently I’m into choking now
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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