Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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