my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
