just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
