I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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