just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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