My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
