Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
