it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
