Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
