Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
