Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
