Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
organizing the empties. That sober.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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