my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
