Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
