I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
