She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize