yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
