I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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