One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
