Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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