just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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