note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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