Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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