If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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