you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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