I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I have already put on my inside pants.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
