He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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