I am puke
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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