dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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