I hate all girls vehemently.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
