until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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