I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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