my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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