Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
