It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
