Please, let me fuck your mom
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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