Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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