I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
there is another microwave in the elevator.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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