I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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