Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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