I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
