the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
