Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I forget how to act sober
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