Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I need to stop coming to work sober
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
