She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize