There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
