should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
