I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
