Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
