Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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