A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
