Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
