I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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