Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
