He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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