I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize