Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
