My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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